Jenny’s in the middle of a restaurant when her child suddenly acted up for no reason. The kid, a three-year-old girl named Macy, didn’t want to eat. She’s sulking, and a huge temper tantrum was about to ensue. In the midst of all these and because Jenny wanted to put a stop to what would be a major meltdown, she offered Macy her iPad. Macy smiled like a ray of sunshine, and all was well again.

But a parent decided to be a little nosy and checked in on Jenny’s behavior. She told Jenny it’s bad for her to bribe Macy because it would teach her that bad behavior gets a reward. Jenny scoffed. How dare this person give her any advice about raising her own child? So, after giving her a sermon of some sort, she grabbed Macy’s hand and headed for her car. 

In the house, she was still fuming mad, but some of what the parent told her made sense to her now. She used the internet to research about how bad it is to bribe children. She realized that some of Macy’s bad behavior might be because she was bribing her rather than teaching her to accept that some things are beyond her control.

When Bribing Is Bad 

It is common practice for everyone to do things because there’s a reward for it at the end of the day. Don’t you cook fancy dinners because you want to have a big juicy steak? Don’t you run to the grocery to get a bag of popcorn because you’re about to start a series? No one loves prepping fancy dinners and cleaning the kitchen after, but you do it because you want the reward of a great dinner.

 Kids act the same way. Parents use bribing and the reward system most of all when the kids have to go to a pediatric dentist. This might be the biggest problem for any parents. How can you convince your kids to let a dentist probe their teeth and gums?

 When parents are pushed against the wall, they resort to blackmailing their kids. “You cannot play with your toys until you open your mouth wide.” What does this tell the kids? It tells them that going to the dentist will not amount to anything good. They lose their rights to play with their toys unless they go through a painful procedure.

The next time you tell them they have to go to the dentist, the kids will try to think of many ways to get out of that situation. Bribing or blackmailing them will only make them think that the activity is unpleasant. If by going to the dentist, you have to bribe them, then it means that activity is so unfulfilling you’re willing to give in to their wants.

Why Incentivizing Can Be Rewarding

On the other hand, you can reward your kids and teach them about getting what they want when they do good. The trick here is to offer them the reward in advance. Don’t offer the reward in the middle of the bad behavior because that will train them to misbehave so they can get what they want. By offering to give them a gift before an unpleasant activity, then that programs them to prepare not to misbehave.

Don’t you go to work in return for a wage? Don’t you try to finish your work on time because you are getting paid for it? These are incentives. You are being rewarded for your work. You get tax breaks when you donate to charity. This tells you that there’s something nice that will happen when you buckle up and work. It’s the same thing with kids. You have to make them realize that something good will come out of good behavior. 

Don’t focus on the material benefits. Instead, tell them they look stronger because they’re eating fruits and vegetables. Tell them their friends are happy because they shared their toys with them. Incentivize them not with material things but with positive feelings.

What is not normal is for your kids to repeatedly need bribes to do something right. They need to cooperate with you without needing bribes and incentives. But this will only happen if you spend time getting to know them. Reward them with more time with you because that will make them want to do better when you ask.

But do you realize that bribing, incentivizing, and rewarding kids all boil down to you? If you’re constantly exhausted, you will bribe your kids when you don’t get your way with them. That’s the shortcut to making them do what they should do. That’s not discipline, and that’s not their fault either. So, maybe take care of yourself a little better? Disciplining kids requires more patience and energy.